Lost in Memories
by CobertForever
Summary: Robert fell from a horse and he lost his memory. He cannot recognize anyone when he wakes up. Cora is trying to make him remember things again. (Told in 1st Person POV)
1. Lost

_Darkness_, I try to open my eyes, my effort does not seem to work because I am still surrounded by the darkness. My body feels so tired and my head hurt so much. I try to open my eyes again, but they still feel so heavy. I give it up.

"Robert.."

"Robert, can you hear me?"

I can hear a soft voice calling out near me. _Robert_?

"Robert.."the voice calls out again and then it breaks into a sob.

_That voice seems so familiar, so close. _I try to focus all of my strength to my eyes, I am not quite sure what is happening but my instinct tells me that I have to open my eyes.

The light is blinding. I try to blink several times trying to adjust my vision to the light.

As my vision adjusting, I can see that I am lying down on a bed, a big bed with a canopy. The sheet is white. I can see a fireplace from the right corner of my eyes. There is a table with a mirror in front of me, several steps from the bed.

I can hear a sound of something knocked over to my left. I try to turn my head. It feels hurt but I manage to turn my head. There on my left side, I can see a dark haired woman standing, her eyes are wide open and her hands are on her mouth, muffling a gasp. There is also a chair on its side on the floor; the woman must have knocked it over when she stood up.

The woman whose eyes are wide open slowly regained back her composure, with no warning she suddenly throws her arms around me._ That hurts_. I squeeze my eyes tight. She keeps calling out the name _Robert_ and she is crying on my shoulder. I can feel my right shoulder getting wet from this woman's tears.

It is not that the sensation is unpleasant in fact I can feel a familiar closeness to this woman. Her voice does sound familiar and she smells familiar but my head hurt so much I cannot seem to get any memory of who this woman is. In fact it feels like I do not have any memory of anything._ Where is this? Why am I on a bed? Who is this woman? Why do I feel like I have been hit by a train? _

I try gathering my strength again and wait patiently until she stops sobbing. I reach up to touch the woman's arms. I need to ask her. She clearly knows me or who I am suppose to be.

"Who… are you?" I ask her. My voice sounds croaked but she should be able to hear. "Who are you?" I repeat my question again.

The woman looks like she is about to faint. She mumbles something and her hands reach out to hold mine.

"Dr Clarkson told me that you might not remember anything when you wake up. You fell off a horse; you hit your head pretty badly." She says and gives me a sad look.

"I am your wife, Cora Crawley. You are Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham. Do you really not remember me Robert? Do you know where you are?" she asks, her lips quivers like she is about to cry again.

_My wife?_

I shake my head and try to register what she has just said.

Instinctively, I reach out and cupped her cheek brushing the tears that has fallen from her eyelids with my thumb. It feels like I have done this a million times.

_Cora.. Cora Crawley._

"Please don't cry.." I say to her trying to calm her. I am not sure why but the sight of her crying makes me feel anxious.

She nods and gives me a smile.

"I don't remember anything yet.. forgive me.."

"It is okay Robert, just rest for now."

"Thank You.. Cora."

The woman smile and make a turn around the bed and climb up next to me. She put her arms around me. It makes me feel warm and loved. I close my eyes and let sleep claim me again.


	2. Blue Eyes

I see her walk in with a basin in both her hands and put it on the bedside table next to me.

"Robert, does it still hurt?" Cora asks as she sits on the chair next to the bed." Your head, does it still hurt?"

_Robert. Yes, my name._

I note it again to myself.

_Robert Crawley. _

It is not hard accepting a name, but it is rather overwhelming when some people who came into the room earlier started calling me Milord, Lord Grantham, Papa, Grandpapa and there was this little girl who called me _Donk_.

Cora whispered to me that little girl's name is Sybbie and that she is one of my three grandchildren. The little girl greeted me several times with, "_Good Morning,_ _Donk". _I was confused so I just looked at her. She was crying and clutching on me tightly when I could not recognize her. _"Donk, do you forget Sybbie?" _She asked between her sobs. I did not know what to say, I just patted her little head until she fell asleep. A rather decent looking young man named Tom walked in, he said that he is my son in law and Sybbie's father. He said he'd take Sybbie back to her room; I let him did just that.

It troubles me that I really cannot remember anything about having such a lovely family.

_How can I not remember my own mother, wife, children, and grandchildren? How can I not remember so many servants and being a Lord of the estate? _

When I try to force myself to remember, my head hurts even more. It scares me not being able to remember anything at all. It also makes me feel so very sorry when I recall their faces of absolute concerns when I could not recognized any of them when they walk into the room - especially Sybbie's teary eyes and little hands clutching on my sleeves.

I feel a soft touch on my arm, it's Cora.

"Your head does it still hurt?" She asks me again, she has been waiting for my answer. She is so patient with me.

I don't want to worry her so I shake my head and smile at her. My head actually still ache a little but if I mention it she will make this worried face. I don't know why but I don't like it when she looks worried.

Satisfied with my answer Cora smiles at me then proceeds to massage my legs and arms for some time. She said the massage is good for my muscle since I am not allowed to get up and move them freely just yet.

I feel like I have to say something or to ask something, but I stay silent. Her movement is mesmerizing.

After a while Cora then turns towards the basin on the table beside the bed, the one that she brought in with her. She touches the water inside the basin testing the temperature; she pulls out a little white napkin from the basin and makes a little twist on it. The dripping sounds of the little drops of water from the napkin fills the room. She folds the little napkin and starts to wipe my face and neck with it, she is pretty careful not to wet the bandages around my head.

Her hands and movement are soft and I can see her face pretty up-close. She has the most striking blue eyes with wrinkles around the sides that when she is gazing attentively at me like this the wrinkles become more apparent, but they really do suit her. Her dark curled hair and hairlines are shaping the top of her face perfectly. Her nose is tiny. Her lips are lovely.

_Cora._

I might have stared for too long at her that when I take notice again those striking blue eyes are focusing on me, her brows furrowed deeply. Blushing with embarrassment I quickly turn my gaze down to my hands.

"Forgive me.." I apologize to her. It seems like the only right thing to do for being caught staring at her.

"It is okay Robert, I am your wife. You can look at me as long as you want. I just thought that your head might hurt again." She explains.

I shake my head and say, "No, it is not that. You have the most striking blue eyes." I tell her.

She stays still upon my words and there's moisture start to form in her eyes.

"Did I say something to offend you? If I do I apologize.. Cora." I don't want to make things uncomfortable for her.

Cora shakes her head. "No," she says and chokes up a laugh. She blinks back the moisture in her eyes, "It's just, that's the first thing you said to me when we first met on a ball in London many years ago Robert."

"Was it?" I ask. "How did it go?" I do want to know; perhaps if I know more I might remember again.

"It's the first ball for the season," she starts. "On that evening because of the rumor of my American huge dowry and my mother's influences I already had my dance card filled with names." She blushes a little before she continues. "At the ball if a gentleman's name is on a lady's dance card, it means that the lady already promises him a dance." She explains.

I nod. It sounds familiar.

"I was supposed to dance with the first gentleman on my list. But you approached me and talked to me. You told me I had the most striking blue eyes. You were really kind and funny. The first gentleman I was supposed to dance too already was dancing with another lady he couldn't wait for me to finished talking to you. I told you that and you offered yourself to me. So, you were my very first dance partner for the season. You paid me a visit the next day; you told me that you heard of my dowry after the ball, about yourself and about Downton. You were so young and were so honest. For the coming weeks you made me happy and laugh like none of the other gentlemen could. As the season came to an end, you proposed to me on a walk at the garden. I said yes right away because I knew I'd found love. I knew you were the one the first time I saw you at the ball." She says, looking at me with those eyes. "And because you could stand my mother and her antiques." She laughs.

I chuckle too. It seems like the most beautiful story, but of course I cannot remember anything. I tell her so. She just pats me on my arms and kisses my cheek.

She rinses the napkin on the basin once and moves to wipe on my hands and feet.

The whole ordeal makes me feel warm and clean and it also makes me smells nice. I tell her so. She says it is because she had put some drops of Lavender oil into the water.

"Thank You." I say to her.

She smiles and puts the napkin back into the basin. She holds it up and makes a move to leave.

"Cora?"

"Yes Robert?"

"Will you come and talk to me again later on?"

"Of course I will. I will just be going to get your medicine in town with Baxter. It won't be long. I will be back before the gong. Why don't you rest yourself? I'll wake you up for dinner."

I nod. She smiles and left the room.

_Baxter? _Another name I can't get myself to remember.

I ease down the bed and close my eyes. The smell of Lavender oil is in the air.

I sleep to the images of Cora's blue eyes, her smile and the feel of the warmth of her hands.


	3. The Young Lady

It's around 6 PM when I wake up. The sky outside the windows is gloomy. I sit up and stare at the windows for a while wondering how long the drizzling has been. The smell of the lavender oil is still faintly lingering, it's calming and reminding me of Cora.

Cora. Her blue eyes, the way her lips smile, how soft her hands were. I wonder how it feels like to hold her, to kiss her. I shudder at the thought. I don't remember anything about our past. It feels so wrong to think of her in such fashion.

I look around the room; there are some photos near the mantel that catch my attention. There are several photos being put there, big and small ones. I lower my legs down slowly; the carpet feels soft underneath my feet. I stand up and take a hold on the bed post. I feel a little dizzy from standing up and my head starts to throb painfully. It must be the pressure from standing up. I take a deep breath and steady myself. I have to get up anyway, I am so sick of lying on the bed. I feel like my body is going to merge with the bed if I spent another second lying down on it. I walk slowly towards the fireplace area.

There are several pictures on the top of the mantel. I decide to take up the little silver framed photo with lots of people in it. It must be a family photo. I can find myself standing in the middle with Cora sitting down in front of me.

From the people who had come to visit me earlier I can point out there is my mother Violet sitting down next to Cora. In the picture, there are also my daughters, Mary and Edith who came in earlier. And there is another young lady in the picture; she has dark hair just like Cora. She is smiling, her eyes looking straight. She certainly did not come to visit me with the others earlier in the day. She looks so full of life, so confident.

_She looks familiar. Come on. Think. Who is she? _

My head suddenly throbs painfully. I walk to the settee and sit on it. I look at the photo again. The young lady smile is indeed very lovely but it somehow evokes a deep feeling of sadness inside of me. I drop the picture and clutch my head with both my hands. Images start flashing in my head and it feels so painful like it's going to burst.

_**"It hurts! It hurts!" The sweet young lady from the picture was screaming on the bed. She looked like she was in a lot of pain.**_

_**"The human life is unpredictable." A man said.**_

_**"Breathe love!" Tom cried. He was leaning down near the young woman. "Help her! Help her! Please!" **_

_**The young lady on the bed started wheezing, like she was desperately gasping for air.**_

_**"She can't breathe." Mary said. She shook the young lady on the bed. "She can't hear me!"**_

_**Edith were standing, frozen unable to move. Her eyes were wide in horror as she looked at what was happening.**_

_**"Do something!" a young man yelled out. He was clutching on the bedpost as if it could give him strength.**_

_**"Sybil." Cora called out to her. She was also leaning down near the young lady. She looked horrified.**_

_**The young lady on the bed wheezed and gasped and she moved no more.**_

_**"Please breathe Love! Please! Please!" Tom cried.**_

_**"Oh no, please." Cora started to sob. **_

_**The young lady's eyes were closed; her mouth was half opened from her attempt to breathe. Her face was as white as sheet.**_

_**Their cries filled the room. The young lady remained still, unmoving. Life had leaved her body.**_

_**Cora was standing at the graveyard staring at a tombstone.**_

_**Sybil Crawley**_

_**1895-1920**_

"Robert! Robert! What's the matter?"

Cora is kneeling down in front of me. She is looking at me; her eyes are full with concern and is it fright? She put her palm on my head, trying to feel it.

"You are boiling! Come on now; let's get you back to bed." She tries to pull me up from the settee. "Doctor Clarkson said that you must not move too much, not for another couple of days!" she scolds.

My head still throbs painfully but I try to focus on her and the things that she has just said. Instead of getting up, I reach down to take the silver framed picture that I dropped. I point my finger to the young woman and ask her. "Cora, who is she?"

Cora looks at the young lady in the picture. She abruptly stays still as if her mind is somewhere else. Despite wanting to decipher what the flashes of images means and what happened to the young lady. Despite the sound of her painful scream still freshly lingers in my mind. Despite wanting to know more, I do not dare to pester her. She needs some time and so I give her that.

We both stay quiet like that for awhile. After seemingly realizing she has drifted away she then turns her head to me. Her eyes are full of sadness but there are no tears. It seems that she has cried over whatever happened for too many times.

"That's Sybil, she was your daughter.. Our daughter.." She says. I feel as if something chocked me at the back my throat. I could not recall but the flashes of the images of her death replaying in my mind.

"I remember she died." I tell her. "Just now, I saw it in my mind. I saw her die. She could not breathe. I try to reach out to her, to help her in some way. You were there too, Tom, Mary, Edith. We were all standing around her. She was dying. She died in front all of us."

Cora stares at me, fresh tears are welling in her eyes. "Yes, she died in front of us.." she sobs.

I don't know what happened, what caused Sybil death, but somehow in my heart I feel the deep helplessness, like partly I am responsible for it. "I am sorry." I cry out. "I am-"

She put her hand on my mouth. "Why are you saying that? Doctor Clarkson has already explained it to us. It was not your fault Robert. None of it was-" She then breaks into more sobs.

Instinctively, I reached out and put my arms around her. I can feel her tears warm my shirt again. I wonder how many times she has cried like this in our life together.

There's also a man in the flashes of images that did not came to visit earlier. A man with blonde hair, eyes as blue as Cora's, he's not in the silver framed picture as well. I hope he is not dead too like Sybil. Or he might have? I hope he is not my son at least. I sigh.

Suddenly I feel quite a fear to regain my memory.


End file.
